


I set her blood on fire

by Alpha_Mu



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 07:55:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12930879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alpha_Mu/pseuds/Alpha_Mu
Summary: Set four years after End Game. Janeway is filled with regret about a missed opportunity but perhaps all is not lost...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic. Ever. I haven't done any kind of creative writing since school over 15 years ago but this story got stuck in my head and I had to get it out! 
> 
> Constructive feedback and kudos very welcome!

Chapter 1

 

Admiral Kathryn Janeway pressed the cold glass to her temple, trying in earnest to banish the white hot headache that seared behind her eyes. The ice clinked against the sides of the tumbler and the contrast of the cold liquid against the warm Indiana night caused rivulets of condensation to trickle down the glass.

 

This must be her fourth or fifth whiskey of the night- and she was being more generous than usual with her measures. The liquor was usually her favourite; Irish naturally; but tonight it tasted like cardboard in her mouth. No matter. Anything to dull her head. Anything to dull the pain that she always felt on this date. This anniversary.  It should be joyous, but ever since the events of three years ago it was an anniversary that she would rather forget. A date that she wished wasn’t marked in the calendar by her assistant and talked about on the news. Holovids of Voyager’s triumphant return from the Delta Quadrant would be playing on every station.

 

Indiana was a natural retreat from it all for Kathryn. Not only to revel in the comfort of her mother’s home cooked food and the sense of belonging and peace that she found here, but also because- this being a traditionalist area-  she knew that she would be spared the constant presence of those damned holovids. Those holovids that would surely be showing her former crew; and after herself one member of that crew in particular was bound to be featured more so than any other. The one person she couldn’t bear to look at.

 

She had never been one to run. Or hide. God knows not running and hiding was the reason she was standing here safe and alive now on Earth instead of still stuck tens of light years from it. Why she had suddenly taken up such a bad habit this late in life was a mystery to her but here she was… again.

 

“How you holding up?”. Her sister’s voice broke her from her rumination.

 

“I’m fine”

 

Phoebe fixed her with the same glare that had been a familiar companion in their debates throughout their lives.

 

“Please Phoebs. I said I’m fine. Just leave me be.” Kathryn was somewhat disturbed by the slur in her voice.

 

Rather than do as she had asked Phoebe flopped gracelessly onto the porch beside her, crossing her legs under herself and picking up a twig which she now worried between her fingers. Long moments passed like that before Phoebe broke the silence.

 

“You know how I got to be so straight talking?” she asked.

 

“I’m certain you’re about to enlighten me” Kathryn sighed.

 

“I heard mom and dad arguing once when we were kids. She kept saying she was fine and eventually stormed upstairs. I asked dad about it afterwards- if she said that she was fine why did he keep bugging her? And you know what he told me?”. She paused slightly and glanced over at Kathryn who merely rolled her eyes.

 

“He told me ‘most anytime a woman says she’s fine, she’s not. So do all of us a favour and if something’s on your mind just come right out and say it- it’ll save you a lot of time that way’... I guess I took it to heart…”

 

“Is there a point to this?” Kathryn snapped- her ire beginning to rise.

 

“I’m worried about you Katie. Please talk to me. You’re not fine. That’s plain for anyone to see”. Phoebe shifted slightly so their shoulders were touching, the warmth of the contact almost too much for Kathryn to bear after so many years of carefully constructing a wall around herself.

 

Kathryn kept her eyes fixed on the ground in front of her, the gentle chirping of crickets the only sound penetrating the now heavy silence between them. Slowly she raised the tumbler to her lips, deftly downing the last of her drink, disappointed to find that most of the liquid was now just melted ice. Setting the glass beside her she reached down to push herself up, frustrated when she staggered slightly.

 

“It’s about her isn’t it?” Phoebe probed.

 

Kathryn felt her face crack before she slammed her command mask in place and set her jaw. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” she fumed.

 

“I’m your sister Katie, not some insubordinate cadet at the academy, that face isn’t going to work on me. It’s got something to do with Seven, I know it has.”

 

“Phoebe drop it. I’m warning you…”

 

“When you first got back she was all you could talk about: ‘Seven this’ and ‘Seven that’ and then after the first anniversary reunion party suddenly nothing. And you haven’t even been to one since. You could miss one or even two for genuine reasons but three? People are beginning to talk, you realise that don’t you?”

 

Kathryn knew she was right. Her avoidance of the reunions was becoming downright obvious but she just couldn’t bring herself to go.

 

“What happened that night Katie? If you won’t talk to me please promise me you’ll talk to someone. You’re not going to find any answers in the bottom of a bottle, no matter how many you search”

 

Feeling the sting of tears starting to form Kathryn turned away from her sister abruptly, the sudden move sending her even more off balance so that she had to steady herself  on the support beam at the corner of the porch.

  
The temptation was so great now to open up, to let her tears fall and be seen instead of only allowing them to come when she was alone. But no, she reminded herself, she **was** alone. She had failed and she was alone and she would face this alone like she had faced so much of the Delta Quadrant alone. Her mind made up she pushed off the support and stumbled down the two steps and off into the darkness towards the one place in the universe that she had always managed to find peace, only letting the tears fall and the sobs wrack her body once she was certain that she wouldn’t be heard.


	2. Chapter 2

She woke under the willow tree- her willow tree- early the next morning; the dawn chorus rousing her from her fitful sleep. For a moment she just lay there, a sense of tranquility seeping into her at the familiar sights and sounds; the herby scent of the Indiana fields washing over her on the warm breeze. The sun was rising and it played between the branches and leaves of the weeping willow so delicately that she felt almost hypnotised by the gentle swaying. 

 

This was a place that she had always sought out when her mind was troubled. She had first found it in her early childhood and marveled at the way the branches invited her to climb and explore them- her sense of adventure keen even then. Throughout her teens and twenties this tree had provided her with the comfort and protection of an old friend. Here, enveloped in the canopy, she could let her mind rest and wander and find answers that were so elusive in the hustle and bustle of her everyday life.

 

Gingerly she pushed herself into a sitting position. Her mouth felt like cotton and her head ached, but not in the white hot way that it had yesterday- that at least she had beaten into submission she thought slightly triumphantly. Her bones creaked and her muscles were stiff from sleeping on the hard ground. She was getting too old for this she knew but part of her enjoyed the pain- it was physical, tangible, something she knew how to deal with. 

 

“Enough now” she admonished herself aloud her voice deep and raspy from the whiskey and the crying. Carefully, ever-so carefully, she rose to her feet and leaning against the sturdy presence of the tree it was as if some of its strength was finding it’s way into her soul. Watching as the sun continued its ascent across the azure sky she made up her mind to go back to her mothers and take a bath. 

 

Today was a new day, a new year. Another year back on Earth. Another year without her. She could indulge these dark thoughts for a few more hours but later today she would return to San Francisco and that was that. She would push these feelings down and bury them again. She had become good at it over the years. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

The house was quiet as she approached. It was still early and she thanked the birds for waking her so that she could get back and clean herself up before her mother or Phoebe rose to see her puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

 

Gently she pushed the door and padded into the large, open plan kitchen. Whilst it might not be as efficient as replicating meals, she had always admired her mother's abilities in this kitchen; not an ability that she had been fortunate enough to inherit; and the joy it brought her to cook for her family and friends. Not to mention the fact that the food tasted so much better somehow. 

 

Quickly setting a pot of coffee to percolate, another area in which the real deal far surpassed the replicated equivalent, she made her way upstairs to run a bath.

  
Half an hour later, coffee mug on the side of the bath and surrounded in hot, luxurious water scented with lavender Janeway felt the tension easing from her tired muscles. The house was still quiet and she reveled in the silence. In San Francisco it was rarely this tranquil, even in the tub of her spacious apartment she was assaulted by the sounds of the street and hustle and bustle below. Here in the quiet, watching the dust motes dance in the air and the steam rise all around her she was alone with her thoughts. As much as she tried to avoid it, she couldn’t help playing the events from three years ago over in her mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a long one in flashback. I've tried to break it up a bit...

The year since they had arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant had flown by at an alarming pace. Months had been spent in debriefings and there were times when she felt certain that her career was sure to be ended when the brass poured over some of her… less conventional... methods of getting her crew home safely. She had had a lot to answer for that was for certain, but in the end, the fact that she had got so many of her crew- not to mention the Maquis crew who they had originally been sent to apprehend- home was the overwhelming factor that won out. 

 

She had fought tooth and nail to ensure that all of the Maquis were pardoned and that the Doctor was recognised as a sentient individual who should be allowed full rights over his programming without the interference of others. 

 

Then there had been the trials regarding  Seven of Nine. She promised the young woman that she wouldn’t rest until she was granted full amnesty. And by God she had stuck to her word. There were elements on high, she knew, who wouldn’t have thought twice about imprisoning Seven for her crimes as a Borg, even others who would have gladly experimented on and dissected her to further the Federations understanding of the Borg in the hope of finding better ways to defeat them should the time come. Janeway had pulled many an all nighter, called in more favours than she cared to admit and on occasion almost- almost- gone as far as begging for acceptance for Seven- the thought of any harm coming to her too much to bear as it always had been. If it hadn’t been for Admiral Picard’s influence she didn’t know if the outcome would have been the same. But it was. Seven was safe and that was all that mattered.

 

Tonight would be the first time she had seen Seven since the trials. So busy they had both been, especially since Seven had been invited to share her knowledge of slipstream technology with Starfleet’s top scientists and engineers. Truth be told they hadn’t socialised together in longer than that, having grown somewhat distant in the months immediately prior to the arrival of Janeway’s future self and their final journey home. She was scared to admit to herself the real reason that she had allowed the distance. Back then she had told herself that the young woman needed space to make friends and allow her personality to bloom away from her Captains influence. The haunted look on her older self’s face when she told her of Seven’s impending death- and marriage to Chakotay- had galvanised her into realising that the love she felt for Seven was far more than mentor to mentee however. 

 

She appraised herself in the mirror for a moment- she had considered wearing her dress uniform but this seemed more appropriate. Black trousers and a cream blouse looked smart yet casual, accentuating her lithe figure in all the right places. She had worked hard to maintain her fitness over the years and was pleased with how good she looked tonight. The stress of the last year showed slightly, the lines around her eyes deeper than they had been, greys starting to show through her auburn hair. She didn't mind it though having long since decided that she would grow old gracefully. A quick dab of perfume and she felt ready to face the world, she was looking forward to this first anniversary reunion party very much. 

 

\------------------------------

 

On arriving at the venue Janeway found that most of her former crew were already there enjoying themselves. She hadn’t worked a room at a social function in some time but it was just like riding a bike, she told herself as she held her head up and strode into the room. Glancing around, she could see that most of the old senior staff were there already, all in fact, bar one. Twenty minutes, and much small talk, later she made her way across the room to the long bar at the far end. 

 

“What can I get you?” enquired the bartender, a look of recognition flashing over his face as he suddenly stood a little straighter.

 

“What’s good?” she responded, flashing her warmest smile in an attempt to put him at ease.

 

“Whiskey is your preference if I remember correctly? We’ve got some nice single malts…” He looked at her hesitantly, clearly unsure if he had overstepped the mark.

 

“Whatever is your best then” she nodded, wondering just how much information about her personal life had made it into the press in the last year.

 

Thanking him for the drink she turned to make her way over to where she had last seen Tuvok when the sight of Seven of Nine entering the room stopped her in her tracks. Her breath caught as she raked her eyes over the woman who had inhabited her dreams for the past several years. Seven looked incredible, she had looked good on Voyager but this was something else. Her crew neck dress was sleeveless and clung to her curves, the cerulean blue setting off her eyes and her hair was down falling like strands of gold around her shoulders. 

 

Kathryn heard her father’s voice in her head then - “close your mouth Katie, we are not a fish” and she snapped her jaw shut so fast that her teeth clacked together almost painfully. Certain that someone would have noticed her gawping she spun on her heel to face the bar again before Seven’s eyes found her. She was going to need more of this whiskey if she stood any chance of getting her breathing under control.

 

The night progressed without a hitch; the food was exquisite and the ease with which the old crew slipped back into their friendly banter felt so easy and comfortable it was almost as if they had never been separated. Of course most of them had taken up new postings and undertaken fresh missions but others had chosen to stay planetside and they all had plenty to catch up on. 

 

Seated between Tuvok and Harry Kim, Kathryn felt more at ease than she had in some time. The conversation was easy and these people felt like family. Whilst they weren't seated close enough to talk, Kathryn surreptitiously watched Seven throughout the evening at her seat between B'elanna Torres and Chakotay- noting how the blonde laughed along with B'elanna, the husky sound of it trickling down her spine like warm honey and making her hair stand on end. She had never heard Seven laugh like that before- the two women had obviously become close for B'elanna to be able to elicit such emotion from the ex Borg. Seven seemed comfortable with Chakotay as well although a little more distant. Kathryn knew the pair had shared several dates when they had still been in the Delta Quadrant but as far as she knew once they returned to Earth they had gone their separate ways. She certainly hadn't seen the man at any of Seven’s trials and whilst part of her was able to feel sorry for him a larger part was glad that she didn't have to watch the two of them together. 

 

The drinks were flowing and Kathryn felt buoyed by the confidence that the alcohol gave her as she approached Seven properly for the first time that evening having been stymied at every opportunity until now. 

 

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes” she quipped as their gaze locked over the bar stool between them.

 

“Captain?” Seven responded, quirking her ocular implant. “If you’re in pain I’m sure the doctor can be of assistance…” she trailed off looking confused at Janeway’s broad grin.

 

“It’s an old terran idiom Seven, it just means I’m pleased to see you” she laughed. “And it’s Admiral now actually”

 

“My apologies Admiral … congratulations” she added after a short pause.

 

“Anyway, it’s Kathryn tonight, please. Can I get you a drink?”

 

“Thank you… Kathryn…” Seven was hesitant as she tested the name on her tongue, “I would enjoy a sparkling cider” 

 

“Coming right up then”, Janeway responded signalling to the bartender and ordering another Whiskey for herself, “I didn’t think synthehol agreed with you?”

 

“I still have to be careful, but I imbibe occasionally. An event such as tonight seems to be an appropriate time to partake. Also, large social gatherings make me feel… uneasy… I find that a little synthehol can make such feelings easier to manage”

 

“Dutch Courage- I know the feeling” Janeway laughed, reaching out and placing her hand on Seven’s shoulder- “Another terran idiom” she added noting Seven’s confused expression. “Come and sit with me, we have a lot of catching up to do” she mused as she ran her hand down the length of Seven’s porcelain skin to guide her to a seat by the elbow. In the back of her mind she knew the prolonged contact was probably not appropriate, but she couldn’t seem to tear her hand away from the warm skin under her fingertips.

 

As they sat talking, Janeway marveled at how much Seven had changed since she had first laid eyes on her on a Borg ship five years ago. She really was a remarkable woman. Their conversation was polite, mostly revolving around their professional pursuits but it was hard to ignore the fact that they both kept touching each other. A pat on the knee here, a touch of the shoulder there; nothing untoward but Janeway felt her pulse quicken at every touch from the blonde- since when had she been so tactile? Was she emulating her former Captain or was this how she behaved with everyone now? And did she realise that lingering like that was usually reserved for flirtatious interactions? Janeway stared at the hand on her knee, the way Seven’s thumb was idly tracing a pattern there. They had both stopped talking, for how long Janeway wasn’t sure but she felt suddenly compelled to break the silence.

 

“I think I’ll get another drink. Will you join me?”. Seven pulled her hand away and nodded her acquiescence as Janeway rose quickly to her feet. This had to be all in her head. She was drunk. She was reading too much into things. Seven was still perfecting her social development. She had seen her former Captain use touch in her communication and was just trying it on for size. That had to be it… there was no way this beautiful woman- the most beautiful woman Janeway had ever set eyes on- a woman almost half her age- was flirting with her. She was being ridiculous. She should get a glass of water. Or better yet a coffee.

 

As they stood at the bar Janeway watched the bartender shaking a cocktail and a smile formed on her lips.

 

“Is something amusing Kathryn?”

 

“Oh it’s nothing…” she chuckled, “I was just remembering a game I used to play with my sister when we got dragged to stuffy Starfleet functions as teenagers” she half explained.

 

“Elaborate” came the curt response.

 

“It’s silly really”, Kathryn stalled.

 

“I would enjoy hearing about your activities as a teenager. I never experienced teenage pursuits of my own so it’s something I know nothing of…”

 

The thought of it broke Kathryn’s heart. Seven had been robbed of so much.

 

“Please?” Seven added, looking into her eyes.

 

“That’s not fair, you know very well I can never resist you when you say please!” Kathryn exclaimed.

 

Seven shrugged and smiled mischievously- she clearly knew exactly what she was doing.

 

“Very well” sighed Janeway, “We would… spice up the evenings by seeing what we could… acquire… from the venue… on the sly”

 

Seven’s eyebrows looked like they were trying to crawls off her head “you stole from Starfleet parties?”

 

“Well not from Starfleet per se. From the venues. A pepper pot here, a flower arrangement. Nothing serious. The best thing we ever managed was a cocktail shaker from behind the bar” she chuckled, “seeing the bartender using one reminded me… we were grounded for weeks when my father found out”

 

“Grounded?”

 

“The teenage equivalent of being confined to quarters. My sister was such a bad influence but we had such fun”

 

Seven flashed her a devilish grin- “Can we play this game now?”

 

“Seven!” Kathryn exclaimed, “I’m a Starfleet Admiral, I hardly think it’s appropriate for me…”

 

“Please?” Seven cut her off, leaning closer.

 

There was that word again. Kathryn inhaled deeply, catching the intoxicating scent of the beautiful blonde before her. She smelled delectable- spicy with floral undertones and just a hint of something metallic. “What did you have in mind?” she smirked

 

Seven leaned closer, a conspiratorial look in her sparkling blue eyes. “The cocktail shaker” she whispered. The feeling of Seven’s breath in her ear caused Kathryn’s pulse to race and a jolt of hot arousal shot through her veins and settled in her core.

 

Against all her better instincts Kathryn couldn't help herself from whispering back- “Do you have a plan?” she asked, a smile spreading across her lips although if the smile was at the thought of playing this game or at the feeling of having Seven so close she couldn’t say.

 

They agreed that Kathryn would distract the bartender; he was clearly enamored with her, whilst Seven leaned over to grab the shaker; she was taller and had longer arms, and they would reconvene in the ladies room.

 

It was even easier than expected to distract the bartender. He clearly fancied himself as something of a Voyager aficionado and Kathryn used that to her full advantage, offering him an autograph with just a hint of filtration in her tone. She watched out of the corner of her eyes as Seven swiped the shaker whilst the young man scrambled under the bar to find something for her to sign. She couldn't help but feel a little guilty for taking advantage of his enthusiasm but seeing Seven behaving so playfully had completely disarmed and she thought she would do just about anything to elicit more of those devilish smiles from the beautiful blonde. 

 

The plan had worked and the bartender was clearly thrilled so no harm done, she assured herself as she skittered along the corridor to rendezvous with her co-conspirator. Kathryn found Seven alone in the ladies room, leaning back against the counter, the shaker set on the side. They smiled broadly at each other and broke out into giggles. 

 

“What do we do with it now?” Seven asked. 

 

“I guess we didn't think this through very well!” Kathryn returned with a chuckle, “my purse is fairly large, I could go and…” she broke off at the sound of heels approaching. Without thinking she grabbed the shaker and took Seven by the hand, entwining their fingers as she guided them into the nearest stall, shutting the door just in time to ensure they weren't seen. The space was close and their bodies were pressed together. They looked at each other trying not to start giggling again as they listened to the other woman humming as she washed her hands. Then they were alone again but neither moved to break the contact. Kathryn looked up at Seven who was gazing at her intently now, her chest heaving, all the risk of laughter having evaporated. Suddenly Kathryn was all too aware of their fingers still interlinked, the soft metal of Sevens implants digging pleasantly into her palm. Kathryn moved as if to release her grip but the young women squeezed her hand to stop her, raising her free hand to brush an errant strand of hair behind her former Captain's ear. Kathryn’s breath hitched at the feeling of Sevens fingers caressing the shell of her ear and goose bumps erupted down her neck as Seven trailed her fingers lower. Instinctively, Kathryn raised her face and pressed her lips to Sevens which were velvety soft and yielding. It was a tentative exploration at first but before long Seven was pulling her head closer to deepen the kiss and Kathryn let the cocktail shaker fall to the ground with a clatter so that she could bring her free hand around to Sevens lower back. 

 

“Seven? Seven are you in here?” the sound of B'elanna's voice broke them apart, clearly neither of them had even heard the door open. 

 

“Yes I am” Seven responded flatly 

 

“Oh thank Kahless we've been looking all over, Chakotay says it's time”

 

Time? Time for what? Kathryn wondered. Seven screwed her eyes shut and raised her hand to her face as if in pain, dropping Kathryn’s hand as if it burned her.

 

“I will be out momentarily” she responded

 

“I'll let him know” came the response before they heard her retreat. 

 

Kathryn looked at Seven with a questioning eye.

 

Seven raked her fingers through her hair and stood up straight before opening her eyes. “I'm sorry Kathryn, I…fear I have erred… the syntehol… I must go… I have to…” she stuttered before grabbing at the door and leaving Kathryn dazed and alone in the stall, hair mussed and lips swollen from their kisses. 

 

Doubt began to creep into her mind. She had kissed Seven. And now the woman had fled. But no. Seven had been the one to grip her hand like that. Seven had been the one to pull her closer. Seven had been the one to initiate the intimacy by touching her hair like that. And Seven had most definitely kissed her back. Kathryn flushed at the memory and suddenly became uncomfortably aware of the evidence of her arousal between her legs. She had to find the younger woman and reassure her. This is clearly what they both wanted, Seven was probably just feeling embarrassed at having behaved like that with her former Captain. Kathryn fixed her hair in the mirror before striding down the corridor towards the main room. 

  
This was really happening. What she thought was a ridiculous fantasy was actually going to happen and her heart raced with excitement and apprehension as she stepped into the dining area and saw Seven on the stage, Chakotay’s arm draped around her shoulder holding her close as he spoke into a mic.


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn froze in her tracks as she took in the sight, snapping out of her reverie and tuning into what Chakotay was saying.

 

“...we chose to keep our relationship a secret from all but a few close friends since our return” he said, flashing a smile at B'elanna, “but with all of you here tonight, Seven and I can't think of a better moment to announce our engagement…”

 

The words hit Kathryn like a blow to the chest and she felt the air leave her lungs with a whoosh as she fell into the wall behind her with a thud. All at once the world seemed to stop spinning and yet speed up at the same time. She wanted to turn and run but her feet were rooted to the spot. Dimly she was aware of the sound of applause and Chakotay’s deep voice still booming over the sound system but it was hard to hear anything over the sound of her blood thundering in her ears. 

 

“... Woman who made it all possible. Will you come up here?...” an awkward pause. “Kathryn? Can anyone see the Admiral?”

 

“She's back here!” a voice shouted from the darkness and suddenly she was hit with a spotlight. She lifted her head weakly, shielding her eyes with her left hand and squinting against the bright light.

 

“Ah there you are! Won't you join us up here so we can thank you properly?” 

 

Years of command and diplomacy training took over as Kathryn managed to paste a smile on her face. She knew it didn't reach her eyes but that was beyond her. The room was a blur and her breath was ragged but somehow she put one foot in front of the other and made it to the stage even as it felt like the earth was crumbling beneath her. 

 

She wasn't sure what words she had managed. Something halfway decent she supposed as people smiled and clapped. A glass of champagne was thrust into her hand and the Doctor was there with his holo-imager as Chakotay stood with one arm around Seven’s waist and the other around her own shoulders, capturing for posterity the very moment her heart broke in two. 

 

An indeterminate amount of time later the Doctor approached her where she had found herself sat at a table nursing the champagne. The announcement had caused quite a stir and she had been buffeted around former crew members, exchanging pleasantries and trying her best to keep herself together. 

 

“Will you not be taking a turn on the dance floor with the others Admiral?”

 

“Not…” she croaked, coughing to clear her throat, “not tonight doctor”

 

“Are you quite alright?” he asked, concern ghosting over his face as he took a closer look at her, “you look rather pale”

 

“Actually Doctor I'm not feeling myself. I think I might take my leave, will you pass my farewells to the others?”

 

“Allow me to examine you, my tricorder is in my…”

 

“No!” she snapped a little too hard, “honestly doctor it's nothing, I've just over indulged a little” she lied, straining to smile and soften her tone, “nothing a brisk walk in the cool night air won't fix” she assured him, standing to leave.

 

“If you insist”, he narrowed his eyes, clearly unconvinced. 

 

“It's has been lovely to see you doctor” she squeezed his arm and pecked him on the cheek, turning away quickly, afraid that if he embraced her the final vestiges of control would crumble away. 

 

Before she walked out of the door she took one last glance at the dance floor where Seven stood with Chakotay. They locked eyes for a moment before Seven started towards her, trying to break through the crowd that had gathered to offer their congratulations. Kathryn turned and hurried into the cold night. 

  
Her future self from another time line had broken all the rules, crossed space and time and sacrificed her very life to give her a chance with this woman and she had blown it. She had waited too long and now it was too late. She was alone and she had failed. She was a failure. Feeling utterly desolate she let the darkness envelope her as her tears finally started to fall. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back in the present day... Turns out writing chapters of similar length to each other is not my strong point!

Kathryn stretched in the bath. The water was becoming tepid and the bubbles had long since melted to nothing. Listening closely she could hear the house beginning to stir, the sound of curtains being drawn back and the hydro-shower sputtering into life in her mother's en-suite. 

 

“Enough now” she admonished herself for the second time that day. She was wallowing she knew, as she was wont to do. She ducked under the water one last time before rising up and wrapping herself in a large fluffy towel. Her sister was right. She was going to have to start talking if she was going to move past this pain. She had spent three years trying to convince herself that she just needed a little more time, but in reality all she had done was isolate herself more and more from the people who mattered to her most.

 

\-----------------

 

“And that's the last time you saw her?” Phoebe asked, her mouth agape.

 

Kathryn nodded, taking a sip from her coffee, dismayed to find it had gone cold. Having made the decision to start talking she had just let it all flow out of her like a wild river.

 

They sat in silence for a moment, both looking up at the branches of the willow tree, the afternoon sun casting dappled shade through the leaves. 

 

“Have you even heard from her since?”, Phoebe was the first to break the quiet. 

 

“The wedding invite arrived less than a week after the party. I asked my assistant to send my sincerest regrets and best wishes. She wrote to me a handful of times after that asking to meet. The last time was a fortnight before the wedding date. I only read the first few. After that I just deleted them without opening them. Perhaps I should have responded but I didn't think I could face hearing whatever explanation or apology she had to offer…” Kathryn trailed off, growing wistful. 

 

“Has it occurred to you that maybe Seven felt the same way?”

 

“Don't Phoebs. Please. I can't even begin to have those kind of thoughts in my head. Besides I told you. She made it perfectly clear. What happened was a mistake. She was drunk. She doesn't like parties, she was probably nervous about the announcement. It was a perfect storm of emotion and drink that I was unlucky enough to get caught in the eye of that's all. Besides Chakotay is a good man. He was a good friend at one point. I couldn't have hurt him.”

 

Phoebe sighed, growing thoughtful. “Do you hear from him still? Or any of the others?”

 

Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed her tired eyes. “I've isolated myself from all of them. We've exchanged pleasantries here and there and I've written recommendations for most but… After all those years of becoming so close I've let it all slip away and for what? So I could wallow in my own self pity…”

 

As if reading her over thoughts Phoebe spoke up: “You're not a failure Katie”, she stated, wrapping her arm around her sister's shoulder and pulling her closer. 

 

“Thanks Phoebe. I just can't shake the feeling that the universe brought us together for a reason. And I'm sure as hell that wasn't so she could marry my first officer. My future self clearly thought so too… I swore I wouldn't become as bitter and jaded as she had become and now look at me…”

 

They sat in silence a while longer, Phoebe’s arm still holding her sister close. She was the first to break again. 

 

“What will you do now?”

 

“What I always do. Go back to San Francisco. Work. Try to move on. I feel like this is a turning point though. Thank you for listening.”

 

“Anytime Katie you know that.”

  
“We should head back. I need to get to the transport station. I'm due at headquarters early tomorrow for a briefing.”


	6. Chapter 6

A week later and Kathryn had to admit that talking to Phoebe had helped. She was feeling lighter than she had in some time and hated to admit that she probably should have opened up sooner. Hindsight is a beautiful thing afterall. 

 

It was a Saturday night and she had not long ordered Sushi when the door chime sounded. She loved this restaurant, the service seemed to speed up every time. 

 

She pulled open the door with a smile “that was quick…” The words died in her throat as she took in the vision before her. “Seven?” she questioned, hardly recognising the woman who stood before her, blonde hair hanging around her shoulders, blue jeans and a plain black t shirt showing off her body which looked as spectacular as ever. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“I… this is not a great time… I… was there something you in particular that you wanted?”. She hoped that her voice wasn't betraying the fact that she was shaking. After all these years and all the soul searching she didn't expect the force of emotion that cascaded over her now so hard that she feared she might drown. 

 

“I was hoping we could talk”

 

“Does your husband know you're here?” Kathryn shot back, ashamed that she had failed at keeping the bitterness out of her voice. 

 

“Husband?” Seven looked at her confused. 

 

Kathryn just stared at her. Her world felt like it was unraveling and she couldn't find any words. 

 

“Chakotay and I didn't marry. After that night I…” Seven stopped suddenly, realisation dawning on her. “You didn't read my letters did you?”

 

Kathryn shook her head no. “I was afraid. I was afraid you'd tell me how much you regretted that night. Afraid that you'd tell me how much you loved him, that you'd beg me for my silence. And I couldn’t face it.”

 

Seven held her face steady. “I was hoping to see you at the reunion last week but the doctor told me you have missed the last three. I became worried about you. Please let us talk inside.”

 

“Kathryn? Is everything alright?” a woman's voice called from inside the apartment, the sound of footsteps coming towards the door.

 

Seven started at the sound. “I apologise. I didn't realise you had company. I will leave.”

 

Kathryn had been frozen solid but the sight of Seven walking away spurred her into action. 

 

“Wait!” she called, closing the gap between them quickly and catching Seven by the wrist, spinning her around so they were facing. “It's just my sister. Please don't go. I'd like it if we could talk.”

 

“Katie I'm starving in here what's the hold up…? Oh!” Phoebe exclaimed as she registered who had been at the door. “Katie is everything OK?”

 

“Yes. Yes I think so. Seven came here… I think we need to talk”

 

“Of course. I'll get my coat.”

 

“Please don't leave on my account” Seven implored.

 

“No no, it's fine I need to get back to Indiana anyway because… um… the… mom… Oh whatever! I'm just going to get out of your way. If you're sure you're going to be OK Kathryn?”

 

“Yes. I believe so.” Kathryn replied, still not sure what to think but hardly able to take her eyes off Seven. 

  
Phoebe disappeared back inside only to reappear moments later wearing her coat, her bag slung over her shoulder. “Enjoy the Sushi” she remarked as she passed them, the meal thrust into Kathryn’s hands by a very bemused delivery boy. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where we earn that E. 
> 
> If you got this far thanks so much for reading. Let me know what you thought...

Kathryn ushered Seven indoors and indicated for her to sit. Where once upon a time the younger woman would have insisted on standing tonight she sank onto the couch without hesitation. 

 

“Can I get you a drink?” Kathryn offered, eyeing the Whiskey bottle on the counter next to where she had dumped the Sushi. 

 

“A chamomile tea would be sufficient. Thank you”

 

Kathryn turned away from the Whiskey and replicated the tea for Seven and a black coffee for herself. She wanted to remember whatever Seven was going to say as clearly as possible. 

 

They sat for a moment both savouring their drinks. 

 

“I'm guessing if I had read your correspondence I would know why you called it off with Chakotay?” Kathryn said finally. She realised that deleting the correspondence was a mistake and now she was going to make Seven go back over ground she thought she had already covered, but she had to hear it. 

 

Seven sighed. “I was never certain that he and I were right for each other” she began “But I wanted so badly to belong to something… to someone… and he was so kind and gentle… it seemed like the logical course of action.”

 

Kathryn took a long swig from her coffee and waited for Seven to continue.

 

“When he asked me to marry him I was conflicted. On the one hand I knew that perhaps I should feel something more. But at the same time since we had arrived back on Earth I had felt more isolated than ever. The crew had become my new collective and now they were scattered in all directions. The thought of being alone on a strange planet… an individual among billions… was… disconcerting…”

 

Kathryn didn't know what to say. A cold streak of guilt ran through her at the thought of Seven feeling so alone. She should have made more effort in that first year to be there for her in more than a professional capacity. But her own fear of her feelings had paralysed her at the time. 

 

“I spoke to B'elanna and asked her how she knew she wanted to marry Tom. She told me he set her blood on fire. I knew Chakotay didn't have that effect on me but I thought… maybe it was a quirk of her Klingon physiology… Or a failing of my own Borg physiology. Just something else they had taken from me. So I said yes. But then that night. At the reunion. When you kissed me.  **You** set my blood on fire. And then I knew beyond all doubt. It was you. It has always been you. It could only ever be you.”

 

Seven stared into her tea. A single rear rolled down her cheek and she swiped at it angrily as if embarrassed by the show of emotion. 

 

Kathryn’s mind was reeling, ‘I set her blood on fire?’ she thought, trying to formulate a response to the revelation but not thinking fast enough to get there before Seven could continue. 

 

“When you didn't respond to my letters I decided to take a civilian posting on a deep space mission. I had nothing to stay for and I couldn't stay on Earth on what should have been my wedding day. My last letter to you laid this all out. I asked you to meet me at the transporter hub downtown if you could forgive me. I waited all day but when you didn't come… I thought you must hate me. I got on the ship and I've been away ever since.”

 

She paused, hanging her head as if the memory of it was a fresh kick to the stomach. 

 

“I arrived planetside last week and went straight to to reunion hoping to see you. Hoping to ask your forgiveness and to try and find a way for us to be friends. I know I can't ask for anything more but I… I've missed you so much.” She hung her head still and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes clearly battling to keep her emotions in check. 

 

Kathryn, on the contrary, let her tears fall unbridled. She closed the space between them quickly, kneeling in front of the younger woman. “It's me who should be begging your forgiveness. I've been such a fool” she whispered, capturing Seven’s chin gently with her fingers and raising her face to her own until their eyes met. 

 

Seven gasped at the sight of her former Captain's tear streaked face. Before she knew what was happening Kathryn found herself wrapped in strong arms and she tucked her face into the smooth line of the younger woman's neck, breathing in the heady scent of spice and flowers and that distinctive metallic undertone that was pure Seven of Nine. Pure bliss. They held each other for what seemed like an age, neither wanting to be the first to let go. Kathryn pulled back first to bring their foreheads together, her fingers laced around Seven’s neck, absentmindedly playing with the delicate chain she found there. 

 

Seven lifted her head suddenly as if remembering something and reached into the front of her shirt. 

 

“This was intended for you” she explained hooking out a delicate silver chain from which was strung an emerald pendant. “It's your birthstone. I had it with me that day at the transporter hub. I've worn it since. It felt like I was carrying a little piece of you with me… as illogical as that may sound”. She looked down sheepishly. 

 

“It's beautiful. And the sentiment is very romantic. Romance needn't be logical” Kathryn responded, lifting Seven’s chin again so she could look into those cerulean eyes. 

 

She couldn't be certain then who had moved first. Perhaps they had moved together in unison but their lips met in a moment of sheer perfection. It began as a soft exploration, soothing their battered hearts; but soon soft wasn't enough and Kathryn found her hands tangled in blonde hair, pulling the other woman towards her with urgency as if at any moment this dream would end and she would find herself alone once more and so needing to get all she could right now. 

 

Seven leaned back into the couch and Kathryn found herself pulled onto the taller woman's lap by Borg enhanced strength, straddling her thigh so that her centre was grinding into the leg beneath her, heightening her arousal and a need that suddenly felt so desperate that she thought she would implode if she didn't have more of this woman's body against her immediately. 

 

As if reading her mind Seven snaked her hands under the hem of Kathryn’s shirt, long fingers playing up the sides of her body; the contrast of warm human skin on one hand and the metal of Borg implant on the other almost enough to drive her mad with pleasure, so uniquely Seven of Nine as it was; as it had been in only fantasy up until now. 

 

Seven’s fingers danced up her spine, sending the most incredible shivers throughout her body and causing her to arch her back, breaking their kiss. The former Borg took full advantage of the change in position, bringing her hands round to cup Kathryn’s braless breasts, circling her thumbs over ready nipples that tightened instantly at the welcome touch. Letting out a deep moan of pleasure Kathryn steadied herself with her hands on the back of the couch, suddenly finding their clothing an irritant and desperate to have that alabaster skin pressed against her own. She reached up and began to fumble with her shirt buttons but seeing what she wanted Seven wasted no time in pulling the shirt up over her head. 

 

Kathryn had assumed she might feel self conscious to be so exposed to a woman almost half her age but the open desire with which Seven appraised her squashed any lingering fears. She stared into blue eyes that were now almost black- pupils shot wide with lust- and traced her fingers along the starburst implant at Sevens jaw eliciting a moan that sent a bolt of heat through her core. 

 

There was still too much between them and Kathryn tugged frantically at Seven’s black t shirt, yanking it over her head and tossing it behind her; her lips finding Seven’s again and smashing their bodies together in desperation to have more contact. 

 

Seven pulled back momentarily; “Stand”- she commanded. Kathryn hadn’t heard that particular tone before; in her fantasies she had always been the one to take control but the woman before her now was clearly not the naive drone she had rescued eight years ago and she was more than happy to oblige. She thought fleetingly about asking to move things to the bedroom but she was too afraid to speak in case whatever magic had been cast upon them was somehow broken. Any coherent thoughts were banished however when Seven leaned forward and divested her of her trousers and underwear in one swift movement leaving her fully exposed, skin flushed with arousal despite the cool air.

 

Stepping out of the clothes that were pooled about her ankles she was pulled once again on to Seven’s lap; only now there was a hand between her legs, fingers between her folds, spreading her open in exploration. 

 

“You’re so wet” Seven whispered huskily into her ear, trailing her tongue down her neck as her fingers found the bundle of nerves at her apex, teasing her slowly. Kathryn wanted to savour this moment; draw it out; make it last; but already she could feel her orgasm building inside her and as nimble fingers found her entrance and pushed inside she knew it would be over too soon. 

 

Seven’s thumb found her clit as her fingers curled inside, Kathryn’s hips moving of their own volition, grinding her against those perfect digits. She felt it building, her walls contracting around Seven, pulling her deeper inside and then she was there- her mind shattering into a thousand pieces. She cried out as it hit, wave after wave of the most intense climax she could remember. 

 

Seven’s free arm held her close as the fragments of her mind came back together. Slowly she felt fingers leaving her body and watched as Seven brought them to her lips, licking along their length and inhaling deeply, letting out a of moan of delight. Kathryn thought it was just about the most erotic thing that she had ever witnessed. Her former lovers had been hesitant to taste her even from the source and here was this perfect goddess of a woman lapping her essence off her fingers like it was honey. 

 

“I want to taste you” she groaned, climbing down from Seven’s lap and kneeling before her as she had previously. Seven leaned back and observed her from beneath hooded eyes, her ample chest heaving with unconcealed longing. Kathryn began to trail kisses down her body, letting her tongue linger over the implants that surrounded her taut abdomen, enjoying the way it made the younger woman’s breath catch. 

 

She reached behind to unclip her bra, freeing pert, round breasts and capturing one rosy pink nipple in her mouth and the other between thumb and forefinger causing Seven to moan and jerk forward, pressing more of her breast into Kathryn’s eager mouth. She teased her like that for a while until the blonde was squirming beneath her, hips grinding and pushing forward, trying to find friction. 

 

Releasing nipples that were tight and red from the sweet attention she let her hands explore lower, finding the button and zipper of Seven’s jeans and opening them with swift precision. The blonde was keen, leaning back and lifting her hips from the couch so that her clothes could be peeled away then splaying her legs so that Kathryn could see her glistening sex.

 

She had intended to allow the teasing to continue but the sight before her was too tempting and Kathryn leaned down and swiped her tongue along the length of Seven’s slit causing the woman to whimper and thrust her hips up to meet the waiting mouth. Kathryn let the flat of her tongue explore fully before concentrating her efforts where she knew Seven wanted her most; circling her tongue around the bud of nerves alternately slow and fast and occasionally sucking it into her mouth. Seven’s hips were canting against her now and, sensing that she was close, Kathryn brought a hand up between them letting her fingers circle her opening.

 

“Yes, aahhh, yes I want you inside of me” came the desperate cry that was all the affirmation Kathryn needed before slipping a finger into the tight passage.

 

“More, uugghh, I want more of you” was the husky response so she added another finger, never letting her tongue away from it’s mark. She felt the slick walls beginning to flutter and she curled her fingers to find that place that she knew would send Seven flying over the edge. She felt Seven’s hand clutching her hair into a fist and the woman let out a scream as she came, hips jerking and bucking against her face. Soon she was pulling back, the contact clearly now too much and Kathryn gently slipped her fingers out and laid her face against Seven’s thigh as she came down.  

 

“Kathryn”, Seven whispered, the name like a benediction on her tongue. Kathryn climbed up onto the sofa beside her and pulled a throw from the back of the couch to wrap around their naked bodies. 

 

They held each other for a time, basking in the afterglow.

 

“This isn’t what I thought would happen when I came here this evening” Seven said at last.

 

“No this isn’t quite how I expected this evening to pan out either”, Kathryn joked, “But I’m very glad it did” she added quickly.

 

“What happens now?”, Seven asked, suddenly seeming unsure.

 

“We could have that Sushi if you like?”

 

Seven shot her a confused glance, “No I meant…”

 

“I know what you meant” Kathryn laughed, cutting her off and poking her playfully in the ribs. “Why don’t we just have something to eat and talk for a while? I think it’s pretty clear what we both want. I’m not going to fight it if you’re not.”

 

Seven smiled back at her, the most dazzling smile she had ever seen- “Sushi would be acceptable”.

 

Kathryn rose to fetch the meal. This certainly wasn't how she expected things to pan out. But she certainly was incredibly glad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been mulling over the idea of writing the same time line from Seven's POV so we can see what she's been up to... Anyone interested?


End file.
